Trapped
by Andy0001z
Summary: Lister finds a total body suit for the AR but it has a little optional extra that he wasn't expecting. Meanwhile Kryten, Rimmer and the Cat try to muddle by as normal, but life is not that simple.
1. Wakey Wakey

**Hello readers. A new fic (I know more blurb from my brain). Hope you like, reviews very welcome and help keep the cogs turning.**

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Chapter 1 – Wake up

Lister lay on the cold hard floor, the pita patter drops of rain bounced lightly off his face. His head hurt, hurt like a three day booze run. He gingerly opened his eyes and immediately regretted it, as the world of colour caused his brain to ache even more. He dragged himself to a sitting position and rubbed his eyes then tried again. This time he could make out shapes as well as colours, he seemed to be in a brick alley, next to a large green skip. '_What the smeg am I doing here?_' he thought.

Lister got up to his feet and was forced to use the lid of the green skip for support. For some reason his legs were like jelly, almost like he had not been using them for some time. He clocked some movement outside the alley, it looked like a car driving past. A car, where the smeg in the universe had cars, much less old VW Bettles. He staggered down the alley until he reached the end using the wall for support.

Outside the alley a road led left to right and across the road a bar sign flashed a neon sign proclaiming 'BOOZE 24/7'

'_My kind of place.'_ Thought Lister stumbling across the road to the bar door.

Inside it was almost empty, the low lighting and booths told him it was a less of a party house and more of a serious loose yourself in a bottle or two kind of place.

He found his way to the small bar and smiled at the bar man that appeared from a back room.

"What can I get you mate?" asked the thick Australian accented man.

"Err a Beer ta." Said Lister reaching into his pocket and finding a bundle of well used cash. He flicked through it and realised he was loaded. '_What was a loaded handsome guy like him waking up in an alley and not some swanky hotel.' _He thought.

The beer appeared and the barman held out his hand. "Two pounds fifty please?" he said.

Lister pulled the three pound notes from the pile and placed them in the barman's hand.

"Cheers, anything else you want , or can I get back to the game?" he asked already turning and leaning back towards the back room.

"Err just where am I?" said Lister.

"What, its 4'0'Clock in the morning in the dirtiest shitty part of town and you want to know where you are?" said the Barman with a raised eyebrow.

"No, I mean what planet?" said Lister taking a swig from his beer.

The barman look confused, what was this clown on about. "Earth mate, Liverpool England, where did you expect to find yourself. the moon?"

Lister looked serious. "No a space ship 3 million years into deep space." Said Lister.

The barman laughed. "That's a good one, Ill have to remember that one mate." He said heading for the back room.

"Wait, what year is it?" called Lister.

The Barman didn't turn round but shouted back at him. "2010, the yeah we lost the big one. Now let me get back to my game will yeah." He said disappearing into a room beyond Listers view.

Lister thought long and hard. '_How the smeg had he landed back on Earth, and way back in the past, this place was practically the dark ages.' _

He knocked back the beer feeling a little better and headed back outside.

Sure enough the big yellow sun that warmed Earth up each morning had begun to rise in the east. Lister noticed a paper thrown in the gutter and bent down to take a look.

'GERMANY 4 – ENGLAND 1 DOOMSDAY IS NOW!'

The title read. He flicked through it but decided that there was nothing of interest and deposited it in a nearby bin.

He walked for about a mile wandering the empty streets until he came across a place he vaguely knew. The small row of shops had a curry house, a corner shop, a barbers and a betting shop. Lister stood there his mind trying to recall why it looked like somewhere he had been before. "Smegging hell, this is my street!" he finally said out-loud.

David Lister was home, 3 million odd years late but this was his street and that flat above the curry house was his, or it would be in 20 or 30 years.

* * *

Kryten folded the pair of pants for the twelfth time before finally setting them down. Something was troubling him and he knew what. It had been three months since that they had gone on board the SS Devonshire and found something that changed Listers mood for the better. Up to this point Lister had been deeply depressed and was struggling once again with the loss of Kris.

Kryten remembered them all carefully picking there way through the abandoned ship and finally coming across a leisure deck. They found a full suite of AR machines which of course they had already got but there was an optional extra on these that Lister had jumped at, the Total immersion body suite. Basically as far as Kryten could tell it worked by sending sensory signals back and fro from the brain to parts of the body. Once hooked up to an AR game you could feel everything, it was the next best thing to being there. Cold, hot, wet, dry, sweaty, pain, pleasure it was all there. Lister had hooked it up and had spent an increasing amount of time inside the game world. So much so Kryten was becoming worried that Lister had a gaming addiction. He had raised it with Lister who laughed at him and promised that he would spend some time with him and the others soon. That had been over a week ago and for the last three days Kryten had not even seen Lister leave the AR suite.

He walked out into the corridor making for the AR suite but Rimmer spotting him and came over.

"Kryten, have you completed that task I set you?" Rimmer asked suspiciously.

"Yes sir, two days ago." Said Kryten knowing full well he had told Mr Rimmer as much back then.

"I see, what about the follow up work I asked for." Said Rimmer raising an eyebrow.

"You haven't asked for any sir, now if you don't mind I really must go check on Mr Lister." Said Kryten looking concerned.

Rimmer clucked his tongue. "Back in the AR suite is he? That boy will ware that machine out you know. Do you know I found him lying on the floor the other day with that suite on doing breast stroke, I was tempted to video it just for laughs but well you know."

"Err yes." Said Kryten not sure what he meant but thought it easier to agree.

"He'll be fine, he's a grown man you know, and things are certainly quieter around here with him out of the way." Said Rimmer.

"But sir, hes been in that game for three days straight, for a start the suits waste bag will need changing let alone the basic need of food or sleep." Said Kryten sound even more concerned.

"Oh you don't need to worry about sleep, the other day I went in there and he was curled up in the suite fast asleep, I guess he's taken to sleeping in game." Said Rimmer.

"Well, I'm worried sir." Said Kryten.

"OK I'll come with you but if he's grinding away at the floor again…." Said Rimmer pulling his face into one that's just seen something disgusting.

* * *

Lister stepped through the door way of his old local shop. '_This place hasn't changed a bit._' He thought looking around at the interior and the collection of groceries and magazines on display.

He was feeling hungry, in fact he had been hungry for some while now, so went over to a chiller with some snacks displayed. He picked up a pie and went to the counter, where he placed it on the pile of today's news papers.

"One pound fifty please." Said the cheerful Indian sounding voice from behind the stack of papers.

Lister placed the change on the top and make to leave, but stopped at the cards in the window. As he scanned them he could not believe his luck, his old flat was vacant. He turned back towards the papers.

"Here mate, who do I need to speak to about this flat." Said Lister pointing at the card.

A small rounded Indian face peered out from behind the papers and smiled. "Oh, it's easy that's me. I just brought it last week and I am looking for a tenant. Why you interested?" he asked.

"Yeah I might be. How much?" said Lister sounding a little too interested.

A glint the Indian fella's eye told Lister he should of played it down and guessed that the monthly rent had just gone up by twenty pounds.

"470 including bills, it's a good little flat." Said the shop keeper.

"I know, I mean yeah cool." Said Lister correcting himself.

The shop keeper came out from behind the counter holding the biggest bunch of keys Lister had ever seen. "Do you want to see my friend?" he asked.

"Err why not." Said Lister.

"OK, hang on a second please." Said the shop keeper turning to face the back of the shop.

"DERRICK….. DERRICK." He called.

No response.

He turned to Lister and smiled. "One second more please." Then turned back to continue his search of Derrick.

"DERRICK, Oh there you are…" the rest of the conversation was lost on Lister but he guessed whoever Derrick was, he was going to look after the shop.

The shop keeper appeared from an isle followed by a large tattooed bald headed biker type.

"This is Derrick." Said the Shop keeper to Lister.

"Nice to meet you." said Lister eyeing the six foot six hulk that was not standing behind the counter.

Derrick smiled and in a low gravely voice said. "Alright."

"Come now we go." Said the shop keeper leaving his shop to the care of Derrick.

* * *

Kryten and Rimmer entered the AR suite and found Lister in an animated state within the AR suite. He appeared to be walking up something, it looked like Stairs.

"Oh thank goodness, he looks fine." Said Kryten eyeing Lister up.

Rimmer looked at the oddly animated frame of Lister. His limbs moving to some task the game was showing him. Lister however did not look fine, he had lost weight and his hair was longer than normal.

"Are you sure, he looks a bit well thinner!" said Rimmer.

Kryten agreed Mr Lister had lost quite a bit of weight. "I'll run a quick med scan on him while he is in the suite, that should give us the info we need." Said Kryten going over to the nearby console.

"Or, we could just bring him out and ask him how he feels?" said Rimmer.

Kryten looked slightly embarrassed. "Oh yes, that would work too. Hang on Ill just log in."

He tapped a few commands on the keyboard but didn't get the response he expected. Rimmer noticed Krytens features go into that puzzled mode.

"Kryten, is there a problem?" asked Rimmer.

"Well it seems that the game is not running." Said Kryten.

"What, it must be what the smeg is he doing then, human puppetering?" said Rimmer eyeing Lister up who continued to move in his suit.

"I'm not sure sir, the computer says there is no game in session." Said Kryten still tapping away at the keyboard.

Rimmer went over to Lister and tapped him on the shoulder. Lister carried on giving no response. He tried again only harder. Still nothing. He bent over and as best as he could got his head next to Listers and shouted.

"LISTER!"

Still Lister did nothing to acknowledge Rimmers attempts to communicate.

"Well, that's me out of ideas." Said Rimmer stepping back.

Kryten in the mean time had run a medi scan. "Oh dear, oh dear." He muttered.

"What is it Kryten?" said Rimmer leaning over to scan the console.

"Well it seems Mr Lister here is in some sort of comma, which as far as I can tell was brought on my a virus." Said Kryten.

Rimmer stepped back three paces. "A virus, what kind and where did he catch it from." Said Rimmer sounding nervous.

"Best guess, it was dormant in the suit and Mr Listers own body heat has woken it up. It must of come from the SS Devonshire." He finished.

"Oh great, so what happens to us, when do we start walking about in an animated comma state?" asked Rimmer.

"We don't it only affects humans." Said Kryten.

Rimmer sighed in relief and moved back closer to Kryten. "Thank goodness for that, now if you don't mind I have to get back to my book." Said Rimmer turning to leave.

"Your book sir, but what about Mr Lister sir, he needs our help, surely no book is more important than that sir." Said Kryten looking shocked.

Rimmer stopped and looked back at Kryten. "It's the Kama sutra deluxe 3D addition, I picked it up back on that ship and anyway he got himself into this mess he can get himself out. Won't his body develop some sort of anti-virus thingy?" said Rimmer.

"It might, but I fear Mr Lister is to distracted." Said Kryten.

"What, how?" asked Rimmer.

"Well according to this brain scan it shows he is in some sort of dream state, but the readings are nothing like I have seen before. It looks like somehow the suite is feeding back readings to his comma induced brain. It might mean to him the dream he is in is very real indeed." Said Kryten sounding worried.

Rimmer thought for a second than brightened. "Why don't we just unplug the connection from the suite?" he asked, thinking this was a great idea.

Kryten shook his head. "I am afraid the loss of connection might send him into a deeper comma, one he might never wake up from."

The two of them looked at the still animated form of Lister unsure of what to do next.

* * *

Lister followed the shop keeper up the narrow stairs towards his old flat. God he missed this place, the lingering smell of curry the faint smell of mold. '_This was home._' He thought.

"It's not much but the furniture is included, all new." Said the shopkeeper.

Lister looked around at the single room with its tiny kitchen, dark brown sofa and there it was, his bed, only better this one was brand new. Lister made his way over to it but before he reached the bed something tapped him on the shoulder. He turned to see if the shopkeeper wanted something but he was busy looking out the only window into the street below. Lister shook it off and continued only to be prodded again only much harder. "What the smeg!" he said.

The shopkeeper turned round. "What, is something wrong?" he asked.

"Yeah, this place wasn't haunted the last time I lived here." Said Lister looking around the room slightly on edge.

"What, no no, this is 100% new build no Indian reservations cemeteries around here." He chuckled.

Lister look confused then he twigged the late 20th century film called Poltergeist. "Naaa, sure it was nothing he said, but then he heard a faint voice in his ear.

"lister…" it said.

Lister span round, what the smeg was that.

The shopkeeper was looking at his watch, obviously concerned about the time away from his business and leaving Derrick in charge. "So you want or not?" he asked.

Lister didn't believe in ghosts and so he shock it off. "Yeah, Ill take it ta."

The shopkeeper smiled and ushered him back down the stairs so that they could signed some paperwork that Lister hoped he would not regret.

**Next Time : Kryten and Rimmer have a little problem of there own.**


	2. Drastic options

**Hi, this story is actually falling into place pretty well (I hope) and so enjoy chapter 2, it's short but there is more on its way real soon.**

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Chapter 2

Rimmer walked back and fourth across the room, until finally he stopped and looked up at the worried Kryten.

"OK, so what your saying is that if we leave him like this he will probably only live a few more days before his body will go into shock and kills him, right?" he asked.

Kryten nodded. "Indeed, the lack of food alone is serious enough without even considering the viruses own attack on his system."

At this point the Cat spins into the room. "Hey what's happening?" He notices Lister still in the AR suit still. "Hey what's up with Monkey face, he was meant to be playing chase the string with me this afternoon." He said holding up a bright blue ball of string.

"He's gone and gotten himself a virus and is now stuck in some sort of AR supported coma." Said Rimmer.

The Cat looked puzzeled. "He's what?"

"Mr Lister is not well, and can't leave the artificial reality suite game. This suit. "said Kryten pointing to Lister and his dark blue suite. "This suit is keeping him from producing an effective anti-body.

This didn't seem to help the Cat one bit and still looked puzzled.

Rimmer noticed this and simply said. "He's sick and can't come out to play."

The Cat smiled. "I see, well why didn't you just say."

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Clearly the Cat here is going to be next to useless in finding a solution." Said Rimmer turning back to Kryten.

The Cat sniffed Lister. "Curry, Indian, possibly small dark space." He said looking up.

"What?" said Rimmer.

"Sir, thank you for your input but I think we all know what Mr Lister had for Dinner." Said Kryten.

"No he's thinking it." Said the Cat.

"What?" said Rimmer again.

"His sweat has it written all over him." Said the Cat sniffing Lister again.

"Are you trying to tell me you can tell what Lister is dreaming." Asked Rimmer.

"If that's what you call it, yeah." Returned the Cat.

"My my that is impressive. Have you always been able to do this sir." Asked Kryten.

"Sure, why the heck do you think I stopped sleeping in their room." Said the Cat pointing to Lister and Rimmer.

"What, you could read my dreams, my private space." Rimmer paused and thought for a second then spoke again. "You didn't sniff the one with me and Sammy did you?"

"What, I can't remember, I gave up I lost so much kitty sleep." Said the Cat sniffing Lister again.

Rimmer pressed some more. "Sammy, the seal, me and Sammy, dancing naked down the water front."

The Cat stopped sniffing and looked up at Rimmer. "Man you're one strange person you know that, and anyway it was monkey boy's dreams not yours, I can't sniff you, you're dead."

Rimmer clenched his teeth, knowing he had just given away a secret. "Oh right, thank goodness." He said.

Kryten filed the information under embarrassing stories for dinner and cross referenced it with black mail data, then turned his attention to the Cat.

"Sir, does this mean you can tell what he's doing?" he asked.

"Kind of, it's not digital telly you know." Replied the Cat.

"Well at least we can get some idea of what's going on inside Listers head, at least until we can find a cure to get him out." Said Kryten.

Rimmer shrank back. "Are we sure we want to know what goes on in Listers head, it's bad enough out here, let alone going inside his thoughts."

"Sir, I fear unless we can tell his state of mind we might not stand any chance of getting him back."

The nearby screen flickers into life and a slightly balding mans head appears on screen. "Alright dudes, what's happening?" he asks.

Kryten turns to Hollys image. "Mr Lister has a virus and is trapped in his own self induced game, supported by this AR suit. Mr Cat here can sniff his dreams, but we need a cure to the virus."

Holly sighed. "Some days I wish I had never asks." He says.

"Look Holly, is there anything you can do?" asks Rimmer.

"Hang on a tick I'll check my databases." Hollys face takes on a thoughtful expression.

After 30seconds Rimmer can't wait any longer and asked. "And?"

"Nearly there…..there done." He said smiling.

Rimmer repeats his last statement. "And?"

"Well, according to all my knowledge and the knowledge of the 25 volumes of Junior Britannica Encyclopaedia there is only one option." States Holly looking smug.

Rimmer sighs. "OK, let's have it."

"Chop his head off." Says Holly a little too smugly.

* * *

Lister slumped down into his new / old favourite chair with a six pack of larger on the floor and a large takeaway carton of curry in his hand. "Now this is smegging more like it." He said flicking the small TV on via the remote.

The TV flickered into life and he whooped for joy as he quickly realised his favourite movie of all time had just begun. It's a Wonderful Life.

About 20 minutes into the movie Lister began to notice something odd about his curry. It tasted fine, in fact it was the best curry he had ever tasted. It was the fact that he was still hungry that got him. It wasn't a small dish at all; he had gone with the super size family version with extra poppadoms. It was just a nagging feeling the food was not making him feel any less hungry.

He got up and ambled over to the fridge, he pulled a fresh 6 pack of larger from the chillier and a tub of raspberry ripple ice cream. The Ice cream he had picked up at the shop on his way out from signing the rental agreement. The terms had been very favourable, not at all like the original ones he had signed. These ones made him virtually liable for nothing, wasn't that a little bit odd. '_Naaa'_ he thought.

He sat back down and dipped his spoon deep into his ice-cream. It folded perfectly onto his spoon and he noticed the wisps of vapor rise from it has he placed it within his mouth. '_Dam this was good ice-cream, this was super smegging crazy sex good.'_ He replaced the spoon quickly and was pleased to find the second was better than the first. Then he stopped.

He looked from the non-melting ice-cream to the perfect curry take-away box to the smooth lagers that where only 5 pence a can. He thought. '_Something is not smegging right here.'_

**Next Time: **Lister begins to suss that this is not the real Earth and something is up, while Kryten and the others boards the once more to find a cure.


	3. Radio Lister

**Hi, things start to get interesting, thanks for reading. Please do review.**

* * *

Kryten looked shocked and frankly was taken aback by Hollys suggestion. "Are you sure there is nothing else. I mean isn't that a little drastic?"

Hollys head nodded. "Yeah, I guess it will put a bit of a cramp on Listers pulling power I grant you, but at least he won't have to worry about his general appearance anymore." Replied Holly optimistically.

Rimmer chipped in. "So that's it then, your 6000 IQ answer is that we kill him is it."

Holly looks offended. "I never said kill him, just remove his head. See the virus is in the suit and the suit is on his body."

"So?" asked Rimmer.

"Remove the body and bingo you have Lister back, well minus his body of course." Finished Holly.

Kryten leant over to Rimmer. "Sir, this might be the only option, remember we did see a version of our future selves where Mr Lister was a brain in a jar. What's to say this isn't what caused it?"

Rimmer nodded in agreement.

Cat looked from one to the other. "Am I the only sane one around here, why don't we scoot back to that ship and see if they have a cure?"

Both Rimmer and Kryten looked dumbfounded by the suggestion.

"My goodness sir, why didn't I think of that, yes it might work. Holly long back to the please?" asked Kryten sounding more hopeful. After all if Lister did loose his body it would drastically reduce Krytens daily wash load and he did so love that load.

"2 days approx." he said.

"Right then it's a plan, we go search the ship and see if they had this problem, and if we don't find any we go with Hollys plan." Said Rimmer.

* * *

Lister looked outside, the street was quite, maybe a little too quite for his liking. I mean it was 5:30 pm on a workday, where was everyone? He exited his apartment and made his way out onto the empty street.

A policeman walked around the corner. "Can I help you sir?" he asked Lister.

"Yeah where the smeg is everyone? This place is quieter than a morgue on Sunday night." Replied Lister.

"It's a national holiday sir, it's go to the beach day." Said the officer.

"You what?" asked Lister.

"The new prime minister decided everyone needed cheering up so he gave them a day off and a pass to the beach." Replied the officer.

"Sounds a nice guy?" remarked Lister.

"Would not know sir, just doing my job." Said the officer doing a classic policeman's evening all impression.

"Ok ta, see ya then." Said Lister turning back towards his flat.

A cough behind him told him that the officer had not finished with him yet. "Is this yours sir?" said the police officer looking down at the black cat rubbing his boots.

Lister looked down at the Cat and was about to say never seen it before officer, when he noticed the markings. It couldn't be, could it? He bent down and checked the tag. It read 'Frankenstein.'

"Yeah, actually it is, come on Frankenstein time to go." He said hoping the Cat would follow, which it dually did.

* * *

Rimmer walked into the AR suite, two days had past and Lister was still in his coma state. "How is he?" he asked Kryten.

"Not good sir, I am not sure how much more his body will take." Replied a worried Kryten.

"Any news on the ship?" he asked Rimmer.

"Holly says we should be in docking range within the hour." Replied Rimmer.

"Oh thank goodness, I do hope they have a cure." Said Kryten.

"Me too, frankly the idea of spending every day conversing with Lister in a jar does not appeal." Stated Rimmer pulling a face of disgust.

Holly fades into view.

"We're in docking range, do you want me to get clearance." He asked.

"Yes yes, get on with it, we need to get this over as quickly as possible." Said Rimmer. He didn't like these missions one bit. Frankly walking around empty space craft with minimal power gave him the creeps and 9 out of 10 times lead to something attacking them which all added fuel to his reasoning that these kind of missions are best done by macho marine types that like dieing and not him.

"Alright, we have clearance from the ships computer." Stated Holly.

"Kryten, you grab you scanner and meet me in the mid section, I'll go get puss in boots."

* * *

Lister looked down at the cat and knew something was not right. Everything about this place had just fallen into place, the street, the flat the perfect food and now the cat. How was Frankenstein even on Earth. Lister knew for the first time in 3 weeks that he was not in the real world.

'_So if I'm not really here on Earth, then were the smeg am I?' _he thought. His thoughts troubled him and so he decided to open a fresh can from the fridge.

While the cool liquid tricked down his throat he had an idea come to him. '_I'll get a radio, maybe the guys are trying to communicate with me.'_ He thought.

* * *

Rimmers torch light swept the med lounge, it finally landed on Kryten who was huddled over a microscope. "Found anything?" he asked hopefully.

"Maybe, according to these notes several of the crew died of this virus and they were working on an anti-dote." Replied Kryten.

"Did they find one?" asked the Cat.

"I don't know yet, maybe. They did find a way to communicate with the patient through radio waves. Apparently a signal sent to the brain can trigger a response." Said Kryten removing the microscope slide and replacing it with another.

"OK, well you and the Cat remain here and do some digging and I'll go see if I can talk to Listy." Said Rimmer edging for the door.

"OK sir, but try and remain calm when you talk to him, we have no idea what state of mind he is in." said Kryten.

* * *

Rimmer placed the head phones over Listers body, which was no mean feet given Listers body seemed to be jogging at that very moment. "What the smeg is he doing?" he asked Holly.

"Beats me, maybe he's playing volley ball." Replied Holly helpfully.

"Hardly, now is this thing on?" said Rimmer.

Holly checked the system status. "Yep, good to go."

Rimmer picked up the microphone his hardlight once again proving a godsend. "Lister can you hear me?" he tried.

Static

"Lister this is Rimmer, are you in there?" he said again.

Static

* * *

Lister plugged the small radio into the wall socket and turned it on. It was the old fashioned kind with the knob to tune the frequency in. He twisted it slowly up the channels, but sighed. "Nothing, Smeg." He tried down the range even more slowly than before and that's when he heard the best thing ever. He heard Rimmer's voice.

"Lister, It's Rimmer come in Lister." Said Rimmer.

Lister looked at the small radio and realised his mistake it didn't have a microphone attached. He searched the draw where he found it and bingo there it was.

After a bit of fiddling and swearing he got the socket to connect.

"Rimmer, are you there?" asked Lister.

* * *

Rimmer was about to change frequency when he heard the outline of a voice. "Holly can we do anything to boost the power?" asked Rimmer.

"Hang on a tick…. There that should do it." Replied Holly.

"Rimmer are you there?" Said Lister from the speaker.

Rimmer squeezed the transmit key and replied. "Yes, Lister is that you?"

"Yeah it's me Rimmer. What the smeg is going on?" asked Lister.

Rimmer excited at making contact blurted out the story so far. Not exactly the way he had hoped to say it but the detail was there.

"You have a virus, its killing you body, so we are thinking of cutting your head off. OK." blurted Rimmer.

"You WHAT!" yelled Lister over the airwaves.

Rimmer was forced to back away from the speaker due to the loudness of the last message.

"Your body is in some sort of dream like coma brought on by a virus caught from that new AR suit your wearing. Holly here says the best way to keep you alive is to cut your head off, separating you from the suit. Don't worry Kryten is back on the right now trying to find a cure, but if he does not come up with something fast, it's goodbye body time." Finished Rimmer.

Silence, a long silence. '_Oh dear'_thought Rimmer maybe he had been a tinsee bit direct with his message.

"Sorry about that battery issue." Said Listers voice breaking the silence.

Rimmer sighed in relief.

"OK so sit tight and we will sort this out." Said Rimmer.

Listers voice sounded urgent. "Hey, just remember tell Kryten, no ones cutting my bleeding head off without my say so, got it. You remember what happened the last time we tried that with my arm."

Rimmer nodded to himself.

"OK, will do over and out." He said putting the mic down.

"Holly tell Kryten we have contact and that he better come good, because Lister isn't happy with option A." Said Rimmer

* * *

Lister sat in his chair, his arms wrapped around his body, hugging himself. He liked his body, no he loved his body, it was his. No virus was going to take it away from him. Kryten would find a way. He had been through worse scrapes.

A knock at the door brought him out of his self pity. He got up and opened the door. He saw a small balding man with a dark grey suit on. "Err can I help you?" said Lister.

"Good day sir, I've come to do some measurements sir?" said the man.

Lister frowned. "Measurements, what for?" he asked.

"Your body sir, see I'm from the Bert and Bert undertakers and a little virus tells me you're not going to need it anymore." He said smiling, the kind of smile that told you he enjoyed his work a little too much.

"Well I don't need it measured. My body is staying right here." Said Lister forcefully.

The man held up his hands in defense. "I completely understand sir, have you been together long?" he asked.

"What, of course I have, it's my bleeding body, we've been together since I was born!" said Lister surprised at such a question.

"Oh the long timers are always the hardest ones to let go. Don't worry sir, this won't take a second." Said the man stepping into the apartment and proceeding to run a tape measure up and around Listers body.

Lister jumped back. "Hey, I don't need any smegging body coffin right."

The man got up off bended knee and eyed Lister up and down. Lister guessed correctly that he was making an educated guess as to Listers size. "And you can stop eyeing me up like that too." Said Lister turning the man around and pushing back out the door.

"Oh you will come round, they all do in the end." Said the man rolling his tape measure back away.

"Good bye sir." He said disappearing back down the stairs.

Lister closed the door and went back to his chair. '_Smeg, what the smeg is going on.' _He thought.

* * *

Kryten checked the readings for a third time. It was good and bad news, he had found a way to save Lister but in doing so it would kill him. It seemed that the virus could not withstand the cold and therefore if Lister could reduce his body temperature enough it would die and thus release its grip on him. However according to Krytens calculations the temperature was below what any human could withstand and therefore it would mean Mr Lister would have to die and be brought back once the virus was dead. He picked up the radio to communicate with Rimmer.

"Sir, Mr Rimmer sir please come in." he radioed.

Rimmers voice returned on the radio. "Kryten, have you got it?"

"I believe I have sir, I will back over shortly, it was good to hear Holly say you have made communication with Mr Lister sir, we will need that link." Said Kryten.

"OK, whatever, you better get over here pronto, his life signs are doing more up and down than at a kids party with a hired bouncy castle.

* * *

Rimmer stood in the mid section waiting for Kryten and the Cat to return, when he gets a video link from them.

"Kryten what's the hold up?" he asks.

Kryten looks to have gone into worry mode. "Mr Cat here thinks he has detected something sir." Replies Kryten his eyes darting from side to side.

"Yeah, there is deffiently something here, I just can't put my nose on it." Adds the Cat.

Rimmer gulps. "OK, get to the hatch as quickly as you can and keep your nose peeled Cat."

Rimmer watches via the monitor as Kryten and Cat reach the far end of the corridor leading to the docking hatch. Then he sees the Cat stop and turn looking back the way they had just come.

"Don't stop, come on, quickly." He urges.

"It's near, I can almost taste it, and it don't taste like chicken." States the Cat.

"I suggest a spot of running sir, maybe at double speed mode." Adds Kryten and the two of them hurtle down the corridor towards the Hatch and Rimmer.

They make quick time and hit the door release but nothing happens. Kryten looks at the camera.

"Sir, Mr Rimmer please open the door, there isn't much time." Pleads Kryten.

"Yeah come on bud, this thing is giving me a nasal enima." Adds the Cat.

Rimmer addresses them both his voice slightly panicked. "Look right now, it's out there and not in here, which means if I open this door that could change. So how about we wait and see what this thing is and then I open it. If it's a friendly kind of thing then I'll open her up but if not, well you know."

"Sir, you would leave us out here to face this unknown and watch your fellow crew mates be devoured alive while you hide in there?" asked Kryten looking shocked.

"Yes." Replied Rimmer quickly.

Kryten thinks quickly, knowing Rimmers weakness he adds. "Sir, there is no way of knowing if this thing will stop at the door, it might go straight through. It would surely be better if we were on your side to allow it a choice of Dinner."

The door hissed and slide open allowing Kryten and the Cat to pile inside before the door slid closed behind them.

"Cat is it still out there?" asked Rimmer desperately.

Cat sniffs the air and frowns. "I can't tell, I don't think so."

Rimmer snorts. "You DON'T THINK SO? What good is that? I may as well hang a sign around my neck saying 'Hello Mr Lifeform free dinner on legs.'

"You are of course still assuming this thing is hostile towards us sir. It may just be a little shy." Said Kryten who was holding a large clear jar under one arm.

"What's that?" asked Rimmer noticing the Jar for the first time.

Kryten sees the look in Rimmers eye and quickly moves to explain, holding the Jar in front of him as he does so. "This, oh it's not what you think sir, oh no not at all."

"Well it looks like it, it looks like a Jar you might keep a brain in." points out Rimmer.

"No no sir, this is for Mr Cat here." Explains Kryten.

Rimmer looks shocked. "OH my god you've flipped. Not content with the idea of having one person in a jar you now want two!"

Kryten sets the Jar down on the table. "No sir, it's for his cotton wall balls. You know the pretty little pink and yellow ones he uses between his toes."

The Cat grins. "Yeah, it will make a great little home for those little fellas."

Rimmer looks relieved. "Right so what about Lister what's the plan?"

"Well I suggest we give him a choice. It's either a frozen death and re-animation or living the rest of your days behind glass that you hope is window leaned from time to time."

The Cat whistles. "Tough choices. Personally if it was me, I would go with death by desire. 62 hours of gazing at my own reflection baby."

"Luckily for Lister he doesn't have that choice, now can we get on with it please." Asks Rimmer heading for the stairs to the AR suite.

**Next time : It's Rimmers worst nightmare (his swimming certificate gets eaten), no the life form is on board the bug. Lister has a tough choices.**


	4. Teeth

**Hi all, another mad chapter from my head. Enjoy the ride, and don't forget your doggy biscuits! (reviews always welcome) -Ta**

* * *

Lister sat next to the small radio in his imagined apartment waiting. His classic dear stalker hat in his hands while he waited for the news from the others.

'_Why the smeg has this happened to me? Stuff like this keeps happening, first it was a crazed zombie that wanted to snog me to death and now this. Have I got a sign on my arse saying; 'Virus Bed and Breakfast'.' _He thought.

He looked out of the window, it was getting late and he felt really tired, tireder than he had done in a long long while. '_Maybe I should have a sleep.' _Thought Lister.

He got up and stumbled over towards his bed.

* * *

Back in the AR suite Rimmer and Kryten watched as Lister got up from a sitting position and stumble not so gracefully across the room.

Cat cocked his head at Listers movement. "Hey what's he doing?" he asked.

"Beats me?" replied Rimmer.

"I suggest we make contact in case something is wrong, there isn't much time." Suggested Kryten picking up the microphone and handing it to Rimmer.

"Why me?" Rimmer asked holding the mic at arms length.

"You made contact last time sir, and Mr Lister has a connection with you, he trusts you sir." Lied Kryten.

Rimmer thought about it and brought the mic in close to his mouth. "Lister are you there?"

Kryten noticed Listers new position and if anyone knew Listers sleep snuggle shuffle it was him. "Oh my, sir I think he's going to sleep, you must stop him. It is important that from now on he remain awake." Said Kryten going back into worry mode.

Rimmer took a big breath and shouted down the mic. "LISTER, IVE GOT YOUR BEER AND I'M GIVING IT TO THE TRASH MACHINE!"

Listers body moved quickly, pretty quickly for a man in his condition.

* * *

Lister was about to fall asleep when he had heard Rimmers threat and so had forced himself to get back to the radio as quickly as he could.

"Rimmer if you touch my beer, I'll….." then he stopped.

"Err hang on a bleeding sec. I don't have any beer on starbug." He said.

On the other end of the radio link Rimmer smirked.

"Lister, glad you're back. Now listen up me-laddo Kryten's got a plan." Said Rimmer.

Lister sat down at the 1970s classic dinning room chair 2nd edition and listened. At the end of Krytens speech he sighed.

"OK so let me get this straight. I either let you guys cut me head off and stick it in a jar, or I somehow make my body think it's freezing so much that it kills me, at which point you bring me back." Said Lister coyly.

Krytens voice returned. "That's about the nub of it sir. I assume you will go for option B?"

"What about option C?" asked Lister.

Krytren looked from Rimmer to the Cat looking for an answer but there was none. "Err sir, there is no option C." replied Kryten sounding nervous.

"Yes there is, I just stay here and see what happens." Said Lister.

This time Rimmers voice came across the air waves. "Lister, if you do that you will die." He said as bluntly as he could.

"I know that, but I die the other two ways as well don't I. I mean look at the odds, it's not looking good is it. No brain surgeon on board - Check. So opps there goes my brain on the floor." Lister does an impression of a heart monitor flat lining.

"Or there is frozen to death and woken up by the three stooges, Fancy, Prancy and Cleany." Again he does the long single drone of someone hocked up to a monitor but dead.

Krytens voice is back on. "Sir, you are right none of us are qualified for this kind of procedure but it's your best chance. I rate your chances of survival from doing nothing as 5.5% were as bringing you back gets a whopping 8% survival chance."

Lister again sighs. "Cheers Kryten that helps my confidence a lot."

Lister hears some muffled scuffles from the other end then almost jumps out of his seat as the Cat begins speaking.

"Aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwoooooo Hey buddy, you can't die, do this for me, I mean I would do this to your body if it got me out of a scrape. So I am not asking you to think what can I do for yourself, but what can I do for the most stunningly sexy dam right gorgeous person in the universe, ME!"

Lister rolled his eyes, but something the Cat had said hit home. '_Dam him he was right, I can't give up. There is still a chance me and Kris will settle down.'_ He thought.

"OK guys what do I need to do for option B, lets freeze this body." Said Lister.

Kryten was relieved. "Oh thank goodness for that, well sir you need to find a way to cool yourself down."

Lister looked about and remembered the small shower in the bathroom. "Easy, Ill take an ice cold shower." He said.

"Afraid sir that won't be enough. You need something a lot colder. A trip to Alaska would be good." Suggest Kryten.

"I don't think that's an option Kryten, any other ideas?" asked Lister sounding unimpressed.

The radio went silent, he guessed while they thought about it. It gave him time to reflect that maybe just recently he had been spending too much time in AR. If he got out he would do something else, something useful.

Rimmers voice spoke. "Lister, is there a butchers near you?" he asked.

"What, might be, why want me to pick you up a pound of sausages do you Rimmer?" Lister added sarcastically.

"No you gimboid, they have freezers, if it's turned up to max it might just be enough to do the job." Replied Rimmer.

Lister thought about it and agreed it was the best plan yet. "OK I'll go find one but I won't be able to take the radio."

Rimmers next statement was hard to understand it seemed the Cat was talking over him.

"Lister, HEY, we, ITS HERE, that, GUYS ITS, monitor you, AND, ok?, HERE!" came the message.

Lister frowned that sounded like one worried cat. "Guys what's wrong?" he asked.

Krytens voice. "Oh it's nothing sir, just a little matter, you go find somewhere nice and cold to lie down and we will have you back in know time." He said once again engaging his lie mode.

Rimmers voice; talking more urgently now. "Listy just do it and do it fast OK?"

"Why what the smeg is going on?" said Lister sound more concerned than ever.

Krytens voice. "Sir you must calm down, OH MY GOODNESS IS THAT IT." Said Kryten forgetting the mic was still on and going into panic mode.

"Is what it?" asked Lister.

Collective voices. "Nothing!"

Rimmers voice. "Nice talking, must do it again soon, bye for now, over and out." Said Rimmer.

"Guys?"

Nothing further came over the radio.

"Guys you there?" he tried again.

Still nothing. '_Smeg where the smeg have they gone.'_

As per normal it was up to him, Lister got up, took one last look about the flat and stepped out into the stairwell outside.

* * *

Rimmer raced down the corridor. "Is it still behind us?" he blurted.

"Don't know sir, nothing on sensors. Cat?" said Kryten.

The Cat sniffed the air. "Nothing, I think where safe. What the smeg was that thing, it had more tentacles than the beast from ten thousand leagues." He said.

"Sir, that was a fictional monster from a very bad B movie." Said Kryten turning the corner.

"I don't care how many arms or legs it had, did you see those teeth?" said Rimmer urgently.

The three stopped and looked back down the empty corridor, the far end was masked by shadows. They waited and from the gloom a single tentacle emerged, which was closely followed by a 2nd then a 3rd and so on, until finally a round body with a single mouth full of razor teeth came into view.

"OH crap, it's found us." Said Rimmer moving to the rear of the three.

"I suggest we keep going, find a safe room if you like?" said Kryten backing off. "In fact there is an old Android saying that goes..." he looked around and noticed Rimmer and the Cat already speeding down the corridor. "Oh yes, I forgot you know that one." he muttered starting after them.

* * *

Outside his flat Lister looked up and down the street. The first thing he saw was the short bald man he had met earlier grinning at him from across the street. He decided it was time to go look for another location for his freezer, that guy gave him the creeps.

Five streets away and Lister stood outside a butchers shop. To his relief the sign on the shop said open.

The bell above the door jangled as he pushed open the old fashioned wooden door. He scanned the shop. '_Nobody home.'_ He thought.

He walked into the back and was forced to place his sleeve over his nose. "What the smeg is that smell."

"Rotting flesh." Said a voice from behind him.

Lister knew that voice and didn't want to turn around. It was the little man, he just knew it.

He turned slowly and there he was grinning.

"Why are they like this?" asked Lister not really wanting to know the answer.

"Other players, the suits keep the flesh fresh you see." Said the man.

"What, why?" asked Lister instantly regretting the question.

"It likes them that way." Said the man smiling.

"What does, this is my dream?" said Lister.

"Is it?" said the man walking over to the freezer door and pulling the handle.

Lister watched has he opened the door and beckoned him inside. "I believe this is your salvation, or at least you hope so?" he said still grinning.

Lister looked from the freezer its cold air causing blankets of steam to roll from the freezer roof.

"Your just some figment of my imagination, and my friends will help me." Said Lister more to convince himself than the man that stood in front of him.

"Really, last I heard they were running from a 12 legged monster with a set of teeth that would put a T-Rex to shame." Replied the man.

"What? Smeg let me out!" said Lister as the door closed in front of him and the darkness enveloped him.

* * *

Rimmer stopped and bent over breathless in the dimly lit corridor. "I can't go on. We have to get off the ship, there is nowhere to hide, and I should know." He said.

"But where can we go? The only place left is the and that's where this thing came from. For all we know there might be more." Said Kryten.

"Look I hate to admit it but I agree with Goal Post head here." Said the Cat who looked completely fresh from all the running they had been doing.

"Look, maybe there is, and maybe there isn't, but it's our best chance for now." Said Rimmer still breathing hard.

"But what about Mr Lister, we have to be there to bring him back." Said Kryten who was becoming rather alarmed at the amount of oil his limbs were using up.

"Holly can do it." Replied Rimmer.

Hollys image appeared on the screen. "Alright guys, how's it going?"

Rimmer looked exasperated. "Holly we are on the run from a thing with so many teeth he could fund several private dental firms at once. Do we look fine?" said Rimmer.

"Oh that thing, I've had a look on the log and it seems there was an accident in a lab. Some kind of experiment went wrong. What you are being chased by is a cross between an octopus, pit pull and a piranha, oh and 3 millions years of evolution." Said Holly looking smug at having supplied such great information.

"Oh just great, so not only will it want to tear us limb from limb it will probably want to hump my leg while doing it." Said Rimmer.

"Well whatever it's going to do, your about to find out, according to my scanners it's round the next corner." Said Holly his face turning into a worried frown.

The three looked back down the corridor and sure enough round the corner came the beast. The Cat bent down and picket up an abandoned spanner. He held it aloft and waved it in the air like a stick. Then with all his force he threw it back down the corridor in the opposite direction. The beast who seemed to be locked onto the spanner raced off after it.

"Right, lets go, before that thing brings the spanner back." Said the Cat.

Rimmer looked at Kryten. "Did he just throw a stick?"

Kryten nodded. "I believe so; it seems the dog genes must have kicked in." Kryten turned to the Cat. "How did you know?" he asked him.

"Easy, once a dog, always a dog, first lesson in doggy self defence, the stick throw." Grinned the Cat.

The three ran away from the happily searching beast.

**Next time: Lister has to escape the AR and Teethy the tentacle dog from hell plays fetch.**


	5. What smell, oh that one!

Chapter 5

"Glunk" went the door to the freezer.

That was it he was stuck in here now. Lister found a space on the cold hard floor and sat down, he then began to worry about his bleak situation. After a 10 minutes of starting at the blackness he realised he was shivering and as he tried over and over to stop his body shacking his mind began to drift away from the coldness to more pleasant memories.

He was 18 and his first gig had just finished. He was out the back of the pub with his mate Mozzer waiting for the land lord to pay up. The over weight and overly smiley man came from round the back of the small establishment and grinned at the boys.

"Alright guys, good set that. You really had the crowd going." He said chirpily.

"Yeah, that guy with the walking stick really surprised us with his moves." Said Lister grinning to Mozzer.

The land lord pulled a pile of notes out of his pocket and watch as Lister eyed them lustfully. He pulled a single crisp twenty pound note out and handed it over to Lister.

"There that should cover it." He said still grinning.

Lister looked down at the single note that lay in his open hand. "Hey we agreed fifty mate, what's this?" said the younger Lister.

The land lord shrugged his shoulders. "Look by the time I took your bar bill out and then there was the damage to my windows, you know it adds up."

Lister interrupted him. "That wasn't our fault. The crazy one eyed dude at the front threw his pint at me and missed."

"Mr Pit is a respected member of the bowls club and you're…" he looked Lister up and down. "Well scum." He finished still grinning.

"This is so crypto fascist." Said Lister.

"It's life son." Said the land lord who smiled and walked back to his regulars.

* * *

Back in the freezer Lister was hugging his cold limbs; he swore he couldn't feel his toes anymore and so his mind wondered again.

* * *

Lister was in a small bar next to a beech, he was remembering a trip to the beeches on Titan. There was no ocean to speak of but they still had beaches, well what passed as a beach, basically a large area of pink sand with a few pools and beach towels dotted about. A bar man dressed in a ludicrously bright shirt who was standing in a mock pine beach hut set down an overly large and flamboyant drink in front of Lister. It was complete with three umbrellas. "Your drink sir." He added with a stupid smile and far too many over whitened teeth.

"Cheers man." Said Lister removing the extras and knocking back the drink.

As Lister stood there looking about at the piles of sand and people stretched out on it he noticed a lady dressed in an all in one swim suit, he grinned at her through his double straws. She smiled and proceeded to head over to his bar and ordered herself a drink.

"Err let me get that?" asked Lister handing the bar man a grubby looking note.

"Thanks, and you are?" said the mystery women taking a sip from her drink.

"Lister, Dave Lister and you?" said Lister still grinning a little too much.

"Sissy." She said raising her drink in thanks.

"So Sissy what you doing on a dump like this?" asked Lister.

"Having fun." She said fluttering her eyes at him.

Several hours later and Lister woke up naked a sheet draped across his legs. He glanced around the room and realised this wasn't his hotel room. He knew this for a fact because his room didn't have windows and it certainly didn't have a TV.

The previous night came slowly back to him and he grinned. Smegging hell had it been one hell of a night. He leaned over to grab his watch but picked up something else instead. He glanced down at the small leather pouch, it was her purse. Listers first impulse was to put it back but then he remembered he didn't know her full name and what would be the harm in knowing her full name, '_one little peek_' he thought.

Lister opened the purse and peered in. Inside he found a few dollar pounds and an ID card. He left the dollars alone and looked at the picture. "Cute, very cute." Then turned his attention to the name.

He read. 'Name : Sissy Hollister'.

"Smegging hell, it couldn't be could it, he hadn't just played pocket the pencil with the captains sister?"

The shower stopped and Sissy walked back into the room with a towel around her waste. "Hi, good sleep?" she said grinning at him while rubbing a second towel on her wet hair and then proceeding to pull a pair of knickers up along her legs and around her waste.

Lister looked away. "Err yeah great ta." He said sounding slightly flustered. She picked up on it and looked at him, standing with naked from the waste up.

"Is there something wrong?" she asked.

"No No, err can I ask you a question?" he asked still avoiding the temptation to look back at her amble cleavage.

"Sure I think we know each other pretty well now." She said with a cheeky grin on her face and moving to the end of the bed.

"You don't have a brother in the space core that just happens to be a captain of a ship called Red Dwarf do you?" he asked.

She looked surprised. "You know Bouncy bubbles?" she said.

Lister thought it over, if he admitted it she might keep it quite but on the other hand she might suggest lunch with him, her and the captain, an idea that didn't have a lot of merit in Listers eyes.

"Err yeah you might say we go back." Said Lister.

She smiled and climbed onto the bed. "Oh goody, now how about you and I miss breakfast." She said suggestively.

* * *

Lister opened his eyes slowly, the darkness still enveloped his vision. '_Smeg, still here.' _He thought cursing his early departure from his thoughts.

He couldn't move his arms or hands any more and guessed that the end was close. He was right and slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

Rimmer followed Kryten down a dark corridor. He was back onboard the with Cat and Kryten. He strained his vision to see but it was just to badly lit so he asked the others. "See anything?"

"Nothing sir, I suggest we head to the bridge and see if the captains log might help us." Replied Kryten.

The Cat who was ambling along behind the other two called to them. "Hey, can't we go to the sleeping quarters, I could use a nap."

Rimmer turned and gave the Cat his best don't be stupid glare and added. "No, unless you want to become a doggy treat that is?"

The Cats looked disappointed but dropped the idea thinking that he was too good to be some dogs play thing or worse his lunch.

"Sir, I am getting something on the scanner." Said Kryten looking down at the portable scanner that cast a dim glow in the corridor.

"What? Is it here?" asked Rimmer nervously.

Kryten double checked the reading. "No I don't so, it's something else." Said.

"What, there is something else here, something else alive?" asked Rimmer his nerves straining as his voice took on a more squeaky tone.

"According to the readings they are alive but only barely it hardly registers sir. Whatever it is it's in the next room." Replied Kryten pointing to the door a few steps away.

Rimmer looked even more concerned. "They, a second ago it was something. Now its they, in future a simple yes will suffice." Said Rimmer his eyes darting left and right as if something might indeed spring out from the darkness.

The Cat sniffed the stale air. "Well whatever it is, it doesn't smell good." Said the Cat his nasal alert on overload.

The group peered into the darkened room which was only illuminated by the lights on some far consoles that flickered from time to time. As they looked around the gloom searching for further detail they realised that three figures were laid out on the floor on the far side.

"Sirs, I suggest you wait here while I investigate." Offered Kryten looking at other two.

Rimmer nodded his head in agreement, all to ready to hang back from the stench and possible danger.

Kryten made his way across the room cutting through the gloom with his finger torch. The beam traced across the bodies and he realised that they were in a bad state of decay. Kryten swept his scanner across the figures and was shocked at what he found.

"Oh dear these poor poor people." He said shacking his head.

Rimmer heard Kryten say something. "What, what is it Kryten?" he asked in a hushed but desperate tone.

"Something awful has happened sir, so very awful." Said Kryten staying where he was.

Rimmer crept across the room and stopped dead when he caught sight of what Krytens torch was illuminating. "Is that what I think it is?" he asked turning away from the ghastly sight.

"I am afraid so." Returned Kryten.

The Cat who was still at the door way, came over. "What is this, a game a guess the stench? Why doesn't someone just say what they see?" He said taking in the scene before him.

"Clearly its three monkeys in AR suits with bits of their body chewed off." Said the Cat turning to the others. "Now if you'd said that I would have stayed in the corridor." He finished holding his nose to avoid any more of the foul smell reaching his Cat nasal receptors.

"It gets worse sir, I am afraid these poor fellows aren't completely dead." Said Kryten.

Rimmer looked from Kryten to the bodies spread out on the floor. "How could any of these people be anything other than dead? Don't be stupid, for a start they are 3 million years old?"

"Not entirely true sir, I haven't got all the answers, but according to the scanner their minds are still alive, if only just. Just suppose like us they got trapped in stasis and upon exiting they decided to live there final years in AR. Trapped three million years into deep space with nothing but each other for company, who wouldn't go a bit loopy and choose to live a fantasy life." Offered Kryten.

"But why are they in such a mess?" asked the Cat looking back down at the rotting flesh.

"Best guess, somebody with lots of teeth has been snacking on them." Replied Kryten.

"Oh my god that is gross." Said Rimmer turning away and putting his hand over his mouth.

"Indeed it is not a nice thing to occur, but I suspect the creature had little other options for food." Said Kryten inspecting the bite marks.

"What a way to go, chewed to death while in your fantasy. It's like standing in front of a 200 foot mirror and having it drop on your head." Said the Cat wincing.

"What are we going to do; we can't just leave them like this." Said Kryten taking pity on the poor people.

Rimmer took a quick look back at the three bodies forcing himself to look. He pointed at the head set and cables leading up to the nearby computer. "What's that, looks like they are hooked up?"

"Yes it appears they are hooked into the AR suite, I'll will see what state the game is in." said Kryten moving to the AR console. He scanned the screen and quickly looked back at the others with a worried stare.

"What?" asked Rimmer fearing that the day could not get any worse, could it?

"They are not in the game sir, they are like Mr Lister." Said Kryten.

"What a complete smeg head who likes curry for breakfast, lunch and tea." Asked Rimmer.

"No no sir, they must have the virus." Said Kryten sounding increasingly alarmed.

Rimmer drummed his lips with his fingers. "Hang on I'm seeing a pattern here. Man creates beast, man gets lost in space and enters AR. AR has virus, which captures man then Beast munches on man for snacks." Said Rimmer thoughtfully.

Kryten and Rimmer looked at each other and both said one word.

"LISTER!"

The Cat who to be fair was doing his best to avoid stepping on sticky bits new the bodies looked at the two blankly.

Kryten filled him in. "Sir, Mr Lister is trapped in the suite and the beast knows it can get food from suit wearers, therefore Mr Lister is in big trouble. We have to get back to him. He is completely defenceless."

**Thats all for now, please review , more soon (I hope)**


	6. Puppy love

**Well here it is the final chapter, hope it brings home the bacon and please let me know what you think. Cheers Andy.**

* * *

Holly held open his digitally mastered copy of the _Juniors life savers gold standard award 3D how to book - best ever edition_ and read.

'If the casualty is not breathing commence CPR'

Holly checked Listers vitals, it didn't look good, and there was definitely no sign of any breathing going on. "Great, how the smeg is a computer meant to deliver CPR, who wrote this junk." Said Holly tossing the book aside.

He checked the readouts again, Lister was almost a goner, he did have a faint pulse, but as he watched the read out indicating Listers heart beep also began to fade to nothing.

Why the smeg had Kryten and the others done a runner, leaving him to cope with keeping the last human alive. '_Typical_' he thought.

"Right, think Holly, what do you need to do." He said to no one other than himself.

For some reason something inside made him do something against all his own instincts, he electrocuted Lister.

Listers vitals remained flat, so Holly did it again. ZAP and again ZAP, then a small blip traced across the screen andthen a second, joined by a third. This was looking more like it he thought.

Next he noticed that for some reason Listers body temperature was way lower than it should have been, so he jacked up the rooms temperature to max and waited.

A few minutes later a moan came from the body lying on the floor.

"Dave you OK?" said Holly.

David Lister the last human shook his head and slowly sat up. "Holly, what the smeg happened. For some reason I've got this mad craving for sausages and cold ham." Said Lister groggily.

"Kryten said something about a virus, oh and to watch over you because you might die." Said Holly almost as an after thought.

"What and did I?" asked Lister sounding worried.

"Yeah, well technically you were dead for 26.5 seconds." Said Holly sounding the least bit unconcerned about delivering this news.

"You what Hol, 26 seconds, I might have lost some brain cells man." Said Lister touching his forehead.

"Oh well, at least you shouldn't notice a difference there then." Chirped Holly.

"Cheer man, where's Kryten, Rimmer and the Cat?" asked Lister making a tentative move to get to his feet but finding his legs had still to wake up from their deadened state.

"Oh they fled to the ." said Holly.

"What do you mean fled?" asked Lister.

"Oh it might have something to do with a mutant roaming the bug with more tentacles and teeth and your basic scary movie monster." Said Holly, still managing to sound unconcerned at this news 2nd piece of not so good news that he was delivering.

Lister thought for a second, parts of his dream memory started to come back to him and he remembered something about a mutant and Rimmer and the others being in Danger. "Smeg, where is it now?" asked Lister.

"Heading this way, in fact if I was you I would put on your best smile and hope that it likes the look of you." Said Holly.

"Why Hol how close is it?" asked Lister knowing Holly was holding back.

"It's outside the room Dave, seems to be deciding if it's hungry or not." Said Holly.

Lister managed to get up and stagger backwards further away from the closed door. "Smeg, what am I going to do Hol?" he said making a grab for the nearest weapon that actually turned out to be a rather small rectal thermometer.

Holly seeing what Lister has just grabbed said "Well you could try taking its temperate and then deliver it some bad news, you never know it might die of shock."

Lister looked at him with the cheers mate that's really helpful look. He turned to face the door and decided there was nothing to do apart from open it and see what he was facing.

He stepped forward, still slightly unsteady from his ordeal in the suit. Reaching the door he pressed the release button and watched as it slid back to reveal the corridor that at first appeared empty.

Lister peered round the door and caught sight of the mutant. He quickly ducked back in and hit the close button. The door slid shut, much to the relief of Lister.

"What the smeg is that thing? Its got more teeth than my grandmother." Said Lister returning to the back of the room and sitting on a chair.

"It's a mutated life form Dave. Some sort of mad experiment that went wrong." Informed Holly.

"You don't say, looks like something Peterson would have dreamt up after one of his binges. Am I safe in here?" Asked Lister.

"Well considering it's eaten its way through 10 security hatches so far, I would not rate your chances much." Said Holly.

"Great, I escape my perfect world to die at the hands of some mutated Muppet monster." Said Lister shaking his head in disbelief.

"Hang on a tick I'm getting a message." Said Holly.

"_Lister extreme danger – mutant on board – many teeth – liked AR virus victims. PS: If you are already snack food, sorry. Rimmer, Kryten and Cat."_Said Holly mimicking Rimmers tone.

"Oh that's helpful, tell me something I don't know." Said Lister.

"_PPS: It's part mutated dog, you might try feeding it the spare can of dog food in the cupboard."_ Continued Holly.

Lister sighed, there was no dog food in the cupboard, he had already eaten that spare can when they last ran out of curry rations.

"Well, you could try putting on a stern voice and telling it to sit." Suggested Holly helpfully.

Lister rolled his eyes at the suggestion but then thought about it. "Actually Hol, you might have something there."

Lister made his way to the door, took a deep breath, and opened it. Outside the mutant sat patiently for its victim to try and escape. A huge toothy grin greeted Lister.

* * *

Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat waited for the hatch between the two ships to close. Rimmer tapped his foot impatiently while Kryten twiddled his fingers nervously and the Cat took the opportunity to comb his hair.

Rimmer glared at the Cat. "Must you do that now?"

The Cat turned and gave him a serious Cat stare. "You monkeys have no idea what it takes to look this good."

"Nice to see your making an effort for the mutations lunch." Said Rimmer with a grin.

The door slid open and the entrance to Starbug was visible.

"Looks all clear sirs, I suggest we proceed to Mr Listers location as quickly and quietly as possible.

The other two nodded and followed him out into the open star of Starbugs mid section.

Rimmer went over to one of the consoles and tapped a command. Hollys image replaced the blank screen. "Alright dudes?" asked Holly.

"No as you very well know, how is Lister?" asked Rimmer.

"Oh he's OK he's out of the AR, some fantastically intelligent computer saved the day as normal." Said Holly smugly.

"Oh thank goodness for that, well done Holly." Said Kryten relieved at the news.

The Cat asked the obvious question. "Well where is monkey boy then?"

"He's in the AR room still. Oh and he's got a guest." Said Holly.

Rimmers eyebrows raised. "A guest?"

"Yeah, the mutation looks to have dropped round for Dinner." Said Holly sounding not a bit concerned by this tragic news.

The three of them raced up the stairs and towards the AR room. As the approached the room Rimmer noticed the door open, he gulped. "Do you think?" he asked not daring to say what they all were thinking.

"Oh my, poor Mr Lister." Said Kryten.

Meanwhile Lister inside the room had heard the footsteps outside and proceeded to poke his head out of the doorway. "Alright guys." He said chirpily.

"Lister, what, how, where?" started Rimmer upon seeing the cheeky grin on the rounded face of Lister.

"Come on in guys, I've got someone for you to meet." Said Lister motioning for them to come inside.

The three walked up to the doorway and peered in. Inside they saw Lister bending down and stoking the mutations head and heard him say something about it being a good little mutation oh yes he was, goody goody gooo.

Kryten alarmed at what he saw spoke quietly but urgently to Lister. "Sir, that thing is highly dangerous, might I suggest you move away slowly."

Lister got up and turned to the three cowering in the doorway. "It's OK, he's just a bit confused that's all. I think he's a bit lonely to be honest."

"A bit lonely, Lister that thing has been snacking on the crew of the for goodness knows how long." Informed Rimmer.

"You what?" said Lister placing a bowl of water on the floor in front of the mutation that proceeded to place it's tentacles inside the bowl and splash about happily.

"Sir, we found three bodies that like yourself that were trapped in AR suits, however these had been clearly been used as a food source by your new pet. We thought the same might have occurred to yourself." Said Kryten.

"Oh, yeah well granted when I first opened the door he was a bit keen to get friendly with my leg but as soon as I gave him a Pot Noodle I found he was just fine.

The Cat looked disgusted. "You gave him a Pot Noodle, you're sick you know that."

Rimmer braved a foot inside the room, only to be greeted by a snarly snapping motion from the mutation.

"I think he's got you sussed Rimmer, I'm not sure he likes you." Said Lister smugly.

Rimmer stepped back and the snapping stopped. "Look you can't keep it Lister. What if it becomes peckish one night and starts nibbling on your foot while you're sleeping?"

"That won't happen Rimmer, not if we keep it well feed OK." Replied Lister.

"I'm afraid I agree with Mr Rimmer sir, to keep such a dangerous mutation is asking for trouble." Added Kryten who unlike Rimmer had managed to enter the room.

The Cat who was slightly concerned about the drawling object inside the room added his concern. "Yeah, and there is no way we are having a dog loose on this ship, not on this kitties watch." He said still hiding behind the door.

Kryten scanned the mutant and looked alarmed. "Sir, there is one final reason why we should return it to the straight away." He said urgently.

"Why's that?" asked Lister.

"Because it's pregnant, somehow it has begun a breeding cycle and according to my scans, it is going to be having lots of tiny snapping mutations running around very soon." Said Kryten.

Rimmer looked at Lister in that kind of _what have you done now! _look.

"Don't look at me, I may have petted him but there is no way this has anything to do with me." Said Lister defensively.

"I believe the mutation has found a way of creating life from its own genes, I am sure you had nothing to do with it, however providing it assurance that there was a viable food source and security might have helped speed up the process." Said Kryten helpfully.

Lister bent down and spoke directly to the mutation, it listened and tilted its head. "Sorry fella, but they are right, it just wouldn't work. Don't worry well leave you enough supplies for you and the family.

Rimmer sighed at Listers sensible decision. "Right get that thing out of here, before we are overrun with chewed slippers."

* * *

Lister, Kryten, Cat and Rimmer sat at the consoles on board Starbug. On the view screen the was getting smaller.

"You know, it might have worked out." Said Lister.

"Lister, not in a million years would a mutation like that would have made any sort of reasonable pet. It's better off where it is. You did your best." Said Rimmer.

"Indeed you did sir, that auto Pot Noodle dispenser was genius sir, and sacrificing all of our Pot Noodle supplies was a noble gesture indeed." Said Krtyen missing Listers glee at the great sacrifice he had just made.

Lister flicked the view port to front. "I guess, and at least the crew got a decent burial at last."

"Indeed sir, one even managed to relay a message to me before she died." Said Kryten ideally.

The others turned to look at him. "Oh …. you want to know what she said, of course how stupid of me. Hang on a second I recorded it."

Kryten's eyes flicked back and a female's voice began to speak from Krytens voice box. "_My name is Kathy Foster, 1st Class navigation officer, . You must listen to my warning, the Hannaport crew have gone rouge, and they killed most of the crew and took many hostage before making their escape. You must depart this region of space as soon as you can. Do not, I repeat do not…"_

"Do not what Kryten?" asked Rimmer urgently.

"I don't know sir, that was the end of the message before she died." Said Kryten returning to his normal operation.

"Well isn't it obvious, she meant do not make contact. If she felt strong enough to make these words her last, then I say we get out of here as fast as possible." Proposed Rimmer.

"Hang on a second captain scaredy pants. She also said others had been taken hostage. Hol, is there anything on the ships log about the hostages?" asked Lister turning to Hollys screen.

"Hang on a tick… Yeah Dave there is, apparently a demand was made for the release of the female crew." replies Holly.

"What, female as in soft and squidgy?" asked the Cat looking excited.

Rimmers nasal passage flared as he addresses Lister. "No and No, we hit the retros and get long gone, Lister no heroics."

"Come on Rimmer, they need our help?"

"Lister what they need is a crack astro commando unit, not the chicken vending machine repair team!" replied Rimmer sharply.

"I fear Mr Rimmer is right, we know very little about the Hannaport crew and therefore only a fool or hero would even consider such a rescue mission." Said Krtyen.

"Well we don't have one of them, do we? So I guess we will have to do." Replied Lister turning his attention to the navicomp.

Kryten thought for a second then spoke "Sir if I may there is another way…."

**End, this story continues in my new Fic The Hannaport files.**

**I wanted to leave this story here, the basic story is complete but now as in all good story lines there is a new thread. My new fic will cover these adventures.**

Taster from The Hannaport files.

The two females huddled together for warmth; the small candle that flickered in front of them did little to appease the cold of the cave surroundings. Their clothes torn and tattered, feet sore and hair a mess the two looked a sorry sight indeed.

"Hey Wilma do you think the boys will be OK?" asked the shorter of the two women.

The other squeezed her friends shoulder. "Sure Betty, you know Fred he will get them through it."

"But we haven't seen them since that day in the quarry, and that was over a month ago." Said Betty.

"True, but we haven't seen any of the men since that day either, I am sure there just keeping us apart, you know were us down." Replied Wilma in a supportive tone.

"If I get anymore worn down you're be able to use me as a dish cloth." Said Betty adding her trade mark nervous laugh.

The lightness of the joke broke the hardship of the situation and Wilma joined her friend in their moment of tittering. However it didn't last, as from the front of the cave a low growl was emitted followed by a short sharp command. "SILENCE HUMAN SCUM!"


End file.
